Glacecest 30 Kisses: 22: Cradle
by Tabi
Summary: Written for 30 Kisses at Livejournal. Innocence and feeling and confusion and, eventually, the simple acceptence of just what is and cannot be helped, all while the other is unaware of your mental turmoil.


~30_Kisses~

~22: Cradle~

The innocence of Marron's feelings was refreshing in some ways and irritating in others.

Irritating...? Perhaps not _that_ as such, but...

No, not _irritating_. Nothing about Marron's own actions could be described with that word. No, the irritation was placed upon Marron's emotion, Carrot felt, by he himself. He hated it and yet couldn't help it... and that seemed to describe his outlook on the relationship as a whole. Seemed to describe his perception of their relationship. He hated it. He _hated_ it. He couldn't stop it. Part of him didn't want to stop it. He felt displaced, felt two halves within him waging a war that _couldn't_ be won... and then Marron would smile at him and the inner conflict would simply disappear.

It would inevitably return, it always _did_, but... just for those moments, just for the short time when it felt like the world itself could in fact be lit by Marron's smile (and for Carrot, this was often how he felt his personal world operated), he could feel like the weight on his shoulders was just a _little_ lighter.

That was the sort of power that Marron had. He could calm any hot-headed emotion with a gentle word, had the power to heal any little scratch or searing wound from battle with his power and the subtle pressure of his warm fingers... he seemed to take life at a much slower pace and it was hard not to get lulled into Marron's own sense of security when one saw him as often as Carrot did. The thought of just sitting out in the garden with a cup of tea seemed like the most boring thing in the world to Carrot, but when it was the reality of sitting out in the garden with a cup of tea and Marron sitting next to him... it was something that Marron seemed to enjoy and that fact made it worth it. It made the scenario comfortable, made it... _interesting_, somehow. Being able to experience something like that, something that Marron liked... to wonder why he liked it, to see his calm expression and _understand_ somewhat... perhaps not in a way that could be described by Carrot's unskilled words, but emotion couldn't be ignored and just that satisfaction calmed Carrot's own heart.

Marron's nature like that almost un-nerved Carrot. There didn't seem to be a singular emotion that Marron couldn't calm, a situation he couldn't look at sensibly, an anger he couldn't diffuse... it almost scared him. Less Marron's own input into the situations - this was usually welcomed, but... that he could be relied on to handle such emotion...

That Carrot would find himself relying on Marron like that so much...

As the days wore on, Carrot had found himself seeking Marron's company with what he felt was a disturbing frequency. Marron didn't confuse him like Tira did, didn't scare him like Chocolat did, didn't wear at his insecurity like Gateau did... Carrot was very fond of everybody in his close geographical location and would have done anything for any one of them, but he did find himself often feeling weary at finding himself punished for the smallest thing at the hands of the Misu sisters, often found himself tired of those shrill arguments Tira seemed to come up with for _anything_, of how Chocolat would be so damned tempting and sultry and half-naked and _naked_ and cooing and pressing her breasts against him and then suddenly angry and uncontrollable...

They were all so unpredictable, Carrot felt. Their tempers and emotions seemed to change from second to second and sometimes he felt like he just couldn't keep up with them. Tira could be so sweet and gentle and Carrot liked that, so why did she have to snap so suddenly into a persona that would hurt and punish him...? She seemed to change moods even on the smallest thing that Carrot did or didn't do... it felt like he couldn't do anything right with people like Tira around to watch his every tiny move and be ready to punish him at a moment's notice...

Marron would just watch that sort of activity with a distant kind of expression, would remain quiet and apart from the situation and would tend to Carrot's bruises afterward. He didn't feel the need to occupy his time with getting angry and picking over details - very little actually stirred Marron's temper into becoming anything at all, though once it _did_ it was a force to be reckoned with... and this was only ever over matters to do with Carrot. People called Marron emotionless, said that he seemed cold and reticent... such whispers and personality snapshots riled Carrot's temper as much as anything else. What did _they_ know? Anybody who called Marron emotionless certainly hadn't seen him involved in battle, hadn't heard his angry cries of how he'd punish anybody who hurt his elder brother... hadn't seen his calm smile or heard his gentle laugh, hadn't felt his reassuring touch during healing or just times of stress...

He often seemed like the one rock of stability and rationality Carrot felt he could cling to in a household that seemed to echo screams of displeasure and punishment daily. Through all of that, time spent with Marron was like taking a retreat somewhere quiet, but not somewhere _alone_... it was better than that. Marron could understand without even a word, could calm by just his mere presence alone.

That, Carrot felt, was horribly addictive.

His was a warmth that could be enjoyed without guilt. This too was so very addictive; Marron wasn't somebody who questioned if Carrot walked up to him and hugged him without a word, who so very rarely but sometimes initiated his own physical contact... he never asked and he never questioned but he was always _there_. The warmth of a girl usually brought the heat of a punishment, the sort of warmth sought in a salacious sort of fashion... it wasn't _like_ that with Marron. Wanting to spend time with girls and wanting to spend time with Marron... those things were two entirely separate things and yet the former never seemed to grant the same kind of _satisfaction_ as the latter. Perhaps because Carrot's pursuits of girls rarely if ever ended well, but... falling asleep against Marron, nodding off on his shoulder... even Carrot slipping down during sleep and waking up to find himself on Marron's lap... Carrot would look up in surprise and Marron would look down with one of those gentle smiles and he never _minded_.

In his darker moments, Carrot would wonder if there was indeed any action that Marron would in fact question. These thoughts scared him but he couldn't stop them.

Along these lines, of _course_ Marron didn't question Carrot's request to share a bed. There had been innocent enough reasons working behind this... their battles against Sorcerers had been particularly rough those past few days and Carrot had found himself feeling somewhat more stressed than usual. Going to sleep while feeling so stressed usually caused bad dreams to play on his subconscious and with all the matters that Carrot had to worry about, his nightmares could often be quite traumatizing indeed... and so from past logic, in that Marron could so often calm a bad situation with just a _look_ or a _touch_, Carrot had figured that perhaps his dreams would be soothed by Marron's comforting warmth nearby. It had honestly seemed like a good idea and as far as plans went, Carrot felt like it was actually quite a good one, considering how so many of his plans seemed to hold fundamental flaws or go wrong in even the smallest things...

Their beds were big enough but not _that_ large. Both of them slept on their sides, Marron facing the back of Carrot's neck (or at least, he would have been if he hadn't been asleep) and Carrot wide awake and facing the visible side of his bedside dresser. He could feel the edges of Marron's hands against his back, could feel one of Marron's knees obscured by his nightshirt but still pressed against the back of his upper leg... could feel the breath of Marron's deeper sleeping sighs against the back of his neck.

These things made what Carrot had considered such a good idea to suddenly seem like much less of one.

Marron hadn't even batted an eyelid at being asked to share a bed. Carrot had asked and Marron had agreed and then Carrot had gone into trying to justify himself with talk of the nightmares and everything, but by that point Marron had already been moving pillows across to the other bed and he hadn't seemed particularly interested in the sentiment of justification. Just that Carrot had asked something that he could fulfil and so he fulfilled that request as best and as quickly as he could. He never questioned anything.

Every little movement that Marron made in his sleep, Carrot felt aware of. So horribly, horribly aware. The silence that usually felt so comfortable felt so somehow _tense_ when Marron was asleep but Carrot _couldn't_... they shared a room every night, but with Marron being so _close_... that made it... _different_, somehow.

The silence seemed to wait for something. It made Carrot feel impatient somehow. He felt so conscious about even _moving_... he'd been lying in the same position for a lot longer than he normally did while sleeping, but he felt that even the slightest movement might disturb or wake Marron somehow... he felt so very conscious of even his own breathing, as hurried as that seemed to suddenly be. Why _was_ that...?

Marron's breath on the back of his neck again. Breathing deeply like that... why did he have to do that? Carrot felt like he could feel each individual hair stand on end when he felt that. At one point, he shuddered. He didn't know why.

What things... if _anything_... would Marron in fact question...?

Hoping that perhaps a degree of movement might shift his troubled thoughts, Carrot took great care to roll over from his side to lying on his back with the least amount of disturbance to Marron possible. Feeling conscious of every movement he made, he listened out intently for any noise from Marron, any sound of annoyance or discomfort, for the sign of any movement that would have meant that he'd woken him up... but as he came to rest on his back and pressed his head against the pillow, Carrot supposed he'd managed it without waking Marron up at all and felt somewhat rested for that. He took a deeper breath and stared up at the ceiling, still feeling annoyingly _awake_.

Glancing to the side, Marron's sleeping face was right _there_.

He looked so peaceful like that. His eyes were closed, but not tightly... occasionally he let out a little twitch or a slight noise, but other than that, only his breathing seemed to mark him as even being still _alive_... and he didn't notice. He didn't notice at all. Didn't notice Carrot's face there _so close_ and wasn't able to notice Carrot's breathing _so hurried all of a sudden_ and wasn't _awake_ or _watching_ and Carrot found himself looking away with the kind of sudden movement he'd been so worried about making mere moments ago.

Carrot stared back up at the ceiling, unable to wonder anything but _why_.

_Why..._

Why had he thought this idea such a good idea in the first place?... Well, the nightmares. Obviously. The nightmares _had_ been bad and surely every piece of past logic pointed towards Marron as being the kind who could calm those frantic thoughts and bring peace to Carrot's nightly rest...

Why did he feel so flustered all of a sudden...?

That was a thought that Carrot couldn't answer. There wasn't any _reason_ for it. To be close like that... he always felt close to Marron, didn't he? That was one of the things that he treasured about their time spent together. He felt _close_ to Marron in a way he didn't feel to the _others_... felt that Marron _knew_ him somehow, felt that Marron _understood_ him. Surely that was true? It felt a little sad to think that, out of everybody, even Marron might not have really _known_ him... no, out of anybody, Marron was the most likely to know him and understand him and appreciate him and where had _that_ thought come from...? Carrot backtracked his thoughts quickly. No, of _course_ he'd feel close to Marron. It was Marron who knew what things to say, when to stay silent, what to do when Carrot felt bored and what kinds of foods to cook when Carrot felt like anything at all... he answered every question with a definite answer.

Wouldn't he know what to say about _this_, then...?

Even if Marron hadn't been asleep, Carrot didn't know if he'd dare ask. Even if he _did_ dare ask... just what would he ask in the first place? There seemed to be no way to put his worries into words... no way to describe specifically what it was even that he was worried about, just that _something_ about being sat there in that bed with that _person_ right next to him un-nerved him somewhat...

To think of it, even _that_ thought seemed ridiculous. Feeling so strange to have Marron next to him... didn't Marron spend practically every night next to him? Alright, so he spent it in the bed next to Carrot's, the bed that sat about a meter in the other direction, but... what was a matter of a meter or so? To be a meter apart, to be a few centimetres apart... to be so close that there _was_ no space, to be so close that they were _touching_... Marron's hands were gently clasped together as he slept, now pressing so slightly against Carrot's left arm. He made a small noise in his sleep and moved slightly... his hands had moved and his body was closer. His head was against Carrot's shoulder now. One hand lay against Carrot's shoulder, the other had snaked underneath Carrot's arm to take hold of it in a strange movement. Carrot felt his breath catch in his throat - what was _that_!?... He only had to glance down to see the top of Marron's head against him... he was still asleep. His breathing was still regular, Carrot could _feel_ this now... he moved around just a little more, probably to get used to his new position.

"... _Nnh_..."

Carrot sighed deeply, wondering what the time was. Maybe in a few hours, it'd be time to wake up.

"... Nn..."

He glanced back down at Marron.

"... _Niisannn_..."

He started quite suddenly at hearing _that_ word. He had to stop himself from making some sudden question of it, asking why Marron had said something like that, why he'd said it _now_... but to look at Marron, his eyes were still closed and he was _still_ asleep.

This was the sort of thing that Marron mumbled in his sleep?

Another sigh. Carrot felt he would have been lying to himself if he'd even _begun_ to think that strange. Of course Marron would say that. Of course he'd probably be thinking about him, _dreaming_ about him. It wasn't as if that'd make any difference as to how Marron behaved in his usual day-to-day life... every thought seemed to be of Carrot. Every thought that ran through Marron's mind seemed to be one concerned with Carrot - how to protect him, how to make sure he was most comfortable... his general geographic location, his concerns, his well-being... _everything_...

Carrot closed his eyes tightly, feeling strangely _guilty_. Again... _why_?! _Why_ did Marron think so much of him? So much of him so _often_...?

Was there anything else he thought about? Dreamt about?

What were Marron's _dreams_...?

Remembering how he'd originally got into this situation, Carrot wondered if Marron ever had _nightmares_...

Well, everybody had nightmares at _some_ point or another.

Still... if the contents of his dreams were up for curiosity, then... surely also the contents of his nightmares also...?

Once again, Carrot felt that strange feeling of guilt. If Marron's waking thoughts and sleeping dreams were of him, then... likely his nightmares were, too. It seemed to make sense. When this was a person who said such extreme things... admitted that he would in fact die - _happily_ - rather than let Carrot get hurt, then... likely Marron's nightmares featured such scenarios. Carrot being in a precarious situation and Marron not being able to help. Torture and pain and death and being so _helpless_... Carrot's own dreams often featured those themes, often in conjunction with thoughts of Sacher Torte and of Hakaishin. Those were the sorts of nightmares that made him wake up in cold sweats calling for whoever that dream had featured hurt that night...

Marron never woke up in cold sweats and calling for people. He never seemed to stir in his sleep. Did he even _have_ nightmares...? Of course he had to, surely everybody did at _some_ point or another and given all the things that they had to face in their position as Sorcerer Hunters, but... how did he cope with those? Did he manage to push back those images, repress them somewhere as being dreams and only dreams...? How did he _cope_?

He could have carried any amount of pain on his shoulders and still turn to face Carrot on any issue with that damned calm smile of his.

_How_...?

Somewhat stirred by this, Carrot found himself moving again. He moved onto his side once again, Marron's head falling slightly from his shoulder to the pillow beneath, but this didn't seem to disturb him at all. Now facing Marron, Carrot placed his hands on both of his brother's shoulders as much as he was able - it was harder when the one closest to the bed was pressed so firmly against it, but against his shoulder, against his neck, same principle. Either way, Carrot managed to slip his hands behind Marron to bring him closer for a hug. It was alright, wasn't it? If Marron was dreaming about anything even the _slightest_ bit untoward... if he dreamt about something scary happening to his niisan... surely said niisan should be able to take the pain away...?

Carrot wondered if any of his guilt was to do with the inevitable pressure of being the older brother. Being the one who was supposed to be the supporting pillar, the one who was supposed to stand tall and offer support and lend his comfort and advice and be able to chase the demons away...

Instead, he was the one who held the greatest demon of all inside of him. And Marron still stood by him for every step that he carried this burden. Carrot had no doubt at all that, if it were possible, Marron would take Hakaishin into his own heart if it meant even for a moment that Carrot could have been spared the pain and hurt and worry and despair that carrying the Destruction God meant.

Even if it were possible and Marron insisted, Carrot knew he'd never let Marron take that upon himself. Sometimes you had to play the part of the elder brother and take responsibility, didn't you...? It wasn't just that. Further and far deeper than mere responsibility, Carrot would never _ever_ have wished such a thing on his beloved younger brother. Even if he _was_ incomprehensible and silent and unfathomable and sometimes just _strange_... he was still _Marron_ and at that moment, cradling his peaceful sleeping form in his arms, Carrot felt that there was nothing in the world that he wouldn't have done for that person. Nothing was too much, not if it was Marron.

That seemed to be Marron's own view on life concerning Carrot. He managed that effortlessly.

Carrot didn't know what he could do to even begin to repay such a lifelong commitment, and that thought made him feel far more guilty than any previous thought had. He wanted to be able to make it up to Marron somehow... wanted to let him know how much his support _meant_ to Carrot, wanted him to know just how much in life Carrot felt he wouldn't have been sure he could have faced had Marron not been there beside him to support him and behind him to catch him if he fell...

He wanted Marron to be there for him and _keep_ being there for him. Even more than that, he wanted to be there for Marron in return. Another sigh as he stared at his sleeping little brother. Leaning forward, Carrot pressed a kiss to Marron's forehead.

Was there anything more than that? Was there anything more that Marron wanted...?

Even if there _was_, it didn't matter. For now... for now, they were together and they were there for one another. To Carrot, that thought was oddly calming in a rather absolute way.

They really didn't need anything else, did they?

~_fin_~


End file.
